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The Route of All Evil/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Disclaimer: Any Resemblance To Actual Robots Would Be Really Cool. :['''Scene': 7^11. Fry, Bender and Leela peruse the beer fridge.]'' Bender: Ah, beer! So many choices, and it makes so little difference. Fry: How 'bout Löbrau? It has dots on it. Bender: Overruled. The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot! Fry: I can't drink that! The metal shavings make my throat bloody. :makes a mocking baby-cry sound. Bender: Baby wants a Zima! Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk. Now, listen, why don't we just brew our own beer? Bender: You can brew your own beer? Leela: Sure. The kids at the orphanarium used to do it all the time. :head springs off. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, LaBarbara, Farnsworth, Cubert and Hermes' son Dwight are there. Dwight has dreads and wears a shirt patterned with the Jamaican flag.]'' Hermes: Cursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son, suspended from boarding school. Dwight: It's not my fault, Dad. Farnsworth: And you, Cubert! I cloned you from one of my warts and I can send you straight back in there. Cubert: Nuh-uh! :Zoidberg. Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted-hearing-aid yelling? Hermes: I'm afraid it's both. Farnsworth: shouting What? LaBarbara: Now hold on. Everyone, cool your daiquiris! Let's give the little vermin a chance to explain themselves. Dwight: It was self defence, Mom. Just look at this letter the principal sent. puts the letter in a machine. Cubert's and Dwight's classroom appears on the TV. We were in science class and we had just finished building a miniature black hole. Cubert: TV That was easy. :Blob, a horrible gelatinous blob, scoffs. Bret: TV Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be hungry. Cubert: TV Duh! Black holes don't need food. Bret: TV Neither do nerds! :picks up Cubert's and Dwight's lunch boxes and throws them in the black hole. The black hole disappears. Dwight: TV My Manwich! :laughs. Cubert: TV That's it, Bret. You've compressed our lunches to a singularity for the last time! Salt him, Dwight! :and Dwight each pick up a jar of salt and shake them over Bret. He dissolves into a green puddle. Bret: TV When I re-solidify, I'm gonna put you in a world of goop! :and Dwight scream. Cubert: See? That bully started it. We couldn't fight back with brawn so we used our brains! Farnsworth: I've warned you not to use those things! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry, Bender and Leela begin brewing.]'' Leela: Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops. We just need a big disposable tub to mix it in. Bender: Yo! :leans back so his chest cabinet is horizontal. Fry and Leela pour in the ingredients. Leela: Now it needs to boil for a couple hours. :hops onto the gas hob and turns it on. He whistles. Enter Farnsworth, Hermes, Dwight and Cubert. Dwight plays a handheld computer game. Hermes: Dwight, you remember the crew. Dwight: unenthusiastic Eh. Farnsworth: Crew, you remember Cubert? crew respond without enthusiasm. Wonderful! Then I'm sure you won't mind being their legal guardians for a month! :and Hermes run out. Cubert: Well, well. looks at Leela. If it isn't my old friend, stretch pants ... looks at Bender. ... no pants and ... looks at Fry. ... idiot! Bender: We're making beer. I'm the brewery. Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid. Fry: No I'm ... doesn't. Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good. So scram! :and Cubert walk out the room muttering. Dwight: Aw, man! Cubert: I'm sick of this. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth fiddles with a machine.]'' Cubert: Hey, Dad. What useless contraption are you half-baking today? Farnsworth: Eh, wha? Oh! This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me! :speaks into it. Cubert: voice Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt! Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all, you little-- :shakes his fist and Cubert screams in Farnsworth's voice and runs away. Dwight looks at the machine. Dwight: What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer? Farnsworth: There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice! speaks through the machine and there is feedback. Now quit pestering me, you scoundrels! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes stamps and sings.]'' Hermes: singing Stamp it, file it. Oh, yeah! Send it overnight! :Cubert and Dwight. Dwight sees a pile of papers. Dwight: Can I collate that? Hermes: No! Cubert: Can I shred these contracts? Hermes: No! :shreds them anyway. Dwight picks something up. Dwight: Wow! A power-stamper! :turns it on and it stamps objects around the room, including Hermes' head. Hermes: Now look at all the work I gotta do! stamps "void" stamps over the others. He stamps his head. Ow! :['''Cut to': Planet Express Corridor. Dwight and Cubert run out of Hermes' office, laughing.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender belches foam and Leela tastes it.]'' Leela: Mmm. The ingredients are cooked. And they've picked up some of your natural robot flavourings. Time to add the yeast. :takes Bender's antenna off and Leela puts a funnel in then tips the yeast in. Bender: Yeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform growing inside me? crying It's so beautiful. :blows his nose. Leela wrist machine rings and she presses a button. Leela: Talk to me. Farnsworth: communicator This is Professor Farnsworth. I have an important delivery for you and your dumb crew. You must deliver a pizza to Dogdoo 8, a planet at the edge of the universe. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight and Cubert sit with the machine that mimics Farnsworth's voice and Cubert talks through it to Leela.]'' Cubert: voice Sorry I can't come down to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing useless junk. :passes the machine to Dwight. Dwight: voice And I smell bad. :laugh. :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]'' :Lapse. The ship lands a week later. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Hangar. The crew emerge from the ship. Farnsworth and Hermes stand at the bottom of the steps with Cubert and Dwight. Cubert plays on Dwight's game. Leela takes it from him, squeezes it and breaks it.]'' Cubert: Hey! :grabs both of them by their shirts. Leela: If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate. Farnsworth: Oh, bother! What have they done now? :rolls up his sleeves. Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery. Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7. Hermes: Child man, is this true? Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission. Cubert: at Bender Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property! Bender: shouting Lies! Lies and slander! :belches foam. Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough! Hermes: You jerked the words right outta my mouth. We're their fathers and it's high times we acted like it. :rubs his hands together with glee. Bender: Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence! :clears his throat. Hermes: Get a job, you lazy kids! :and Cubert gasp. Bender groans. Bender: I guess if you want children beaten ... pulls out a blernsball bat. ... you have to do it yourself. :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. Dwight and Cubert have set up something and put a white sheet over it. They lead Farnsworth and Hermes to some chairs behind a red rope with a "VIP Section" sign hanging from it.]'' Cubert: Come on, Dad, shuffle faster! Dwight: You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you? :and Farnsworth sit down. Hermes: Company? laughs. How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance? Farnsworth: Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital! :laugh. Cubert: Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company. :pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up. Hermes: Welcome to the world of business! :and Farnsworth kick the logo. Farnsworth: Who's going to use a delivery service with a kicked sign? Nobody, that's who! Dwight: But we already have a client signed up. We're delivering the Daily Supernova. :holds up the newspaper with the headline "Space Monster To City: Grrrrr!". Beside it is a picture of a Godzilla-like creature. Hermes chuckles. Hermes: So your delivery company is just a cute, harmless paper route? :wipes his brow. Farnsworth: Phew! Dwight: No! It's a serious business. Farnsworth: Yes it's a tremendous responsibility, alright! chuckles. What if a paper were to land in a puddle? Hermes: Civilisation as we know it might get splashed! :and Farnsworth laugh and ruffle their sons' hair. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Balcony. Cubert and Dwight have set up a new sign.]'' Dwight: Why do they always treat us like dumb kids? We're practically old enough to find the Fox Network infantile! Cubert: We'll show 'em. All Awesome Express needs is a sturdy interstellar delivery craft. shows Dwight an advert for a hovercraft. Voilà! You got a quarter? :pulls out a coin. Cubert rips out the ad and puts it in an envelope with the quarter and puts the envelope in the mailbox. It flies off down a message tube. Dwight: Man, the ad said to allow four to six seconds for delivery. :snorts. Cubert: More like seven! :mail tube shoots out of the box and knocks Cubert off his feet. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits on the couch. His casing has expanded. Enter Fry and Leela.]'' Bender: I'm really starting to swell up with beer. I must look ridiculous. Fry: No, you have a healthy glow. :belches. Bender: Oh, my God! I just felt it ferment! Leela: Ooh! Let me feel. and Fry sit next to Bender. She puts her ear to his chest. Have you thought about what to name it? Bender: I was thinking "Benderbrau" if it's an ale, "Botweiser" if it's a lager. Fry: I hope it's a lager so I can take it to a ball game. belches again. Leela giggles. Ooh, I felt that one! :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building, Dwight and Cubert finish putting together their hovercraft. They wear spacesuits.]'' Cubert: Uh, there's a crack in the hull here. That could cause explosive decompression. Dwight: Put a sticker on it. :hands Cubert a "Mom's Moron Oil For Dumb Robots" sticker. Farnsworth and Hermes walk around the corner. Hermes: Off on your first delivery, eh? You be careful, my little tinkler. pinches Dwight's cheek. Remember we used to call you that, huh? Tinkler? :[A ''Daily Supernova van pulls up. Sal throws out a bundle of papers.]'' Sal: Gets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts deliver themselveses! Only the Sunday edition can dos that. :drives off. Farnsworth: Goodness, there must be 50 papers in that bundle! That's a big number, 50. Cubert: Yeah, if you're an idiot! :and Dwight climb into the hovercraft. Dwight: Three, two, one. Cubert: All systems go. Dwight: Blast-off! :pedal-powered craft takes off. Hermes: shouting See you at din-din! Farnsworth: shouting I'm blowing you a kiss. :blows it and Cubert screams. Cubert: Take evasive action! :and Dwight pedal around the sky. Farnsworth: shouting It's closing in! You can't avoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And ... gotcha! Cubert: screaming Nooo! :spits. :['''Montage': Dwight and Cubert fly their hovercraft through the Maple Craters space-neighbourhood. They throw a paper to a woman, then they are chased by a dog, which is then eaten by the worm from The Empire Strikes Back. Back on Earth Sal delivers more papers to them. At Maple Craters they pass Bret Blob's house. He throws slime at them and it hits their hovercraft. Cubert hands a paper to Dwight and he throws it through the Blobs' window. Cubert and Dwight laugh. Sal delivers even more papers. They are presented an award at the "Paperboys Of The Week" ceremony. Their photo makes the front page of the Daily Supernova with the headline "Paperboys Win Award On Slow News Day". They throw the last paper to the last house and fly back to Earth.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit at the table where Bender knits a beer bottle cover.]'' Hermes: Business is down, so I filed papers to have you all reclassified as slaves. :Dwight and Cubert with a wheelbarrow with a big lump in it covered by a sheet. Farnsworth: Well, well. If it isn't our little munchkin moguls! :tickles them. Hermes: What's the trouble, men? Need some penny rolls for your profits? Cubert: Actually, thanks to Dwight's brilliant accounting and my unaccountable brilliance ... snorts. ... our paper route now has over a million customers! :pulls the sheet off the wheelbarrow, revealing the lump to be a huge pile of money. Hermes and Farnsworth stare at it, dumbstruck. Dwight: We're finally making more money than you guys! Aren't you impressed now, Pops? Aren'tcha? Aren'tcha? Hermes: Uh, in a small way, yes. But you still don't have your own building or conference table or ... or one of those things! :points at Zoidberg. Zoidberg: Hello! :waves. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Balcony. Dwight and Cubert lean against the wall with their wheelbarrow.]'' Dwight: Our dads are never impressed, no matter what we do. Cubert: Maybe we should start a fire. Dwight: If we really wanna impress them we'll have to crush them with strategy ... Dwight Lightning! :pulls out a pad with "Dwight Lightning" written on the front. Cubert: Very well. But I get to name the next strategy. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Fry and Bender sit watching the TV.]'' Announcer: TV This week on The Real World: The Sun. :man screams. Man: TV I'm burning to death! :scoffs. Leela: You know how much an apartment that big would cost on the Sun? :turns the TV off. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes. Hermes: People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us. Bender: simultaneous Alright! Fry: simultaneous That's great! Leela: simultaneous That's good! Hermes: Naturally, we're humiliated. Farnsworth: That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express 800% more profitable. :sets up a chart. Hermes: We'll start by slashing salaries, and this time I mean really slashing. Leela: Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly. Fry: We don't work for you anymore! :gasps. Farnsworth: What? Leela: Dwight and Cubert made us a better offer. We're paperboys now. :Cubert and Dwight. Cubert: Incoming! We got papers to stuff, team! Hup two, hup two! :staff get up. Fry: Yes, sir. Bender: Right away! Leela: We're on it, Mr. Farnsworth. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth and Hermes address the remaining staff.]'' Farnsworth: Folks, the situation is grim but we shall prevail, thanks to you, our crack team of loyal dregs! :sits with his feet on the table, Amy puts make up on and Zoidberg sits listening intently. Hermes points at Scruffy. Hermes: I don't even know who this guy is! Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor. Farnsworth: Yes, of course you are. Now we've got to buckle down and save Planet Express. Scruffy: I'm on break. :picks up a bag of potato chips and slowly munches them. :Awesome Express crew walk in. Cubert: Sorry to interrupt this whirlwind of activity but we have an announcement. Dwight: I direct your attention to these forms, which I'm presently engaged in handing to you. :takes the forms and reads them. Hermes: Sweet guinea pig of Winnipeg! They've taken over our company! Farnsworth: Balderdash! I never agreed to that! Dwight: No. But you did declare yourself dead three years ago as a tax dodge. Farnsworth: Tax dodge, nothing! You take one nap in a ditch at the park and they start declaring you this and that. Cubert: Either way, I technically inherit your building and your spaceship, which means Planet Express is now ... presses a button and an Awesome Express banner falls over the Planet Express logo on the screen. ... Awesome Express! :and Farnsworth gasp. Hermes: angry You rotten kids! nice Will you be hiring? Dwight: No. Hermes: angry You rotten kids! :['''Scene': Awesome Express: Hangar. Leela sprays the ship red and Bender and Fry load the papers onto the cargo bay lift.]'' Fry: There. One million papers, folded and loaded! :jet-packs up to Leela, holding something. Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster. Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that? Cubert: I'm 12. :['''Scene': Outside Awesome Express. Hermes and Farnsworth cross the street, carrying boxes of their stuff. The ship blasts off and they watch.]'' Farnsworth: Oh, did I ever tell you how I used to own that ship? :walk away. :['''Cut to': New New York City Street. They pass a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out of it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes.]'' Zoidberg: There but for the grace of God. :dives back in and gobbles scraps. :['''Scene': Awesome Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch watching All My Circuits. Bender sings to his bump to the tune of the Mockingbird Song.]'' Bender: singing Hush, little brewski, Don't you leak, Daddy wants to drink for at least a week. rumbles. (talking) Oh, my God! I think it's time! :runs in. Fry: Hurry, Leela! Get some coasters and cold mugs. :['''Scene': Awesome Express: Meeting Room. Bender lies on the table with his head on Leela's lap. Fry puts the beer in bottles and Bender cries in pain.]'' Fry: Push, Bender, push! Leela: You're doing great! :cries again. Bender: It feels like I'm trying to push a water bed outta me. Fry: Almost there. Just two more bottles. Bender: Is it OK? I can't hear anything. :last of the beer drains from Bender. Fry holds a bottle up. Fry: It's an ale! Five gallons, six ounces! :slaps a "Benderbrau" label on the bottle and hands the crate of beer to Bender who hugs it. Enter Dwight and Cubert. Dwight: Hey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery company not a delivery room! Cubert: We just busted our bums delivering a million papers and this is how you greet us, with a bunch of frosty, cold beers? Fry: Hey, wait a second. How did you deliver a million papers in one hour? Cubert: Uh ... we just did, OK? 'Cause we're awesome! Yeah! Awesome. Dwight: Yeah, awesome! :phone rings and Leela answers. Leela: Hello, Awesome Express; the rude, crude delivery dudes. How may I direct your call? What's that? You haven't gotten your paper? In how long? :other phones ring. Dwight and Cubert act nervously. :['''Scene': The Conrads' Dining Room. LaBarbara, Hermes and Farnsworth sit at the table eating. Farnsworth holds up his empty plate.]'' Farnsworth: Uh, might a homeless old man have a touch more beef bourguignon? And another tequila slammer? scoffs. Please? LaBarbara: Don't you sweet talk me, you wrinkly, old tube sack! :holds up his glass. Hermes: Might I have one too, wife? LaBarbara: Oh, you're both pathetic, being jealous of your own offspring. Now you should be happy they became successes, instead of following in your foot stamps. Hermes: Oh, it's true. But they grow up so fast. We just wanted a few more years of being better than them. Farnsworth: They're so stinking talented, they don't even need their fathers anymore. :and Hermes hug and cry. Cubert and Dwight run in. Cubert: Dad! We screwed up! Farnsworth: You did? Tough luck, suckers! Dwight: Please, help us, Pops. We agreed to deliver way more papers than we can handle. Cubert: crying But we couldn't handle them, so we started dumping the extras in a crater on the Moon. :cries more. Dwight: crying And now everyone's yelling at us about our missing papers! Cubert: crying And we don't know what to do! :and Farnsworth laugh then sigh. They put their sons on their laps. Farnsworth: Why did you boys do all this? Dwight: crying We just wanted you to be proud of us. Hermes: Proud of you? You ruined us with sleazy business practices and a complete disregard for human decency. Of course we're proud of you! Farnsworth: Damn right we are! Now come on, let's go do a little father-son weaselling out of this. :['''Scene': The newly-repainted Planet Express ship flies away from Earth and hovers over a crater on the Moon.]'' Farnsworth: ship Good thing I had this net installed for catching giraffes. :cargo bay hatch opens and a net comes out and wraps around the papers. It hoists them out of the crater and the ship flies off. :['''Scene': Maple Craters. The port torpedo hatch opens and a gun pops out.]'' :['''Cut to': Ships Torpedo Room. Hermes sits behind the gun with the papers scattered around the room.]'' Hermes: OK, boys, let me show you how a paper man does it. :grabs the gun and shoots the papers to the houses. :['''Cut to': Maple Craters. Papers hit doors, cars and one hits the Little Prince from the novel of the same name. He tumbles away into the void of space.]'' Little Prince: Au revoir! :['''Cut to': Ships Torpedo Room.]'' Dwight: Can I use the gun, Dad? Hermes: Aw, what kind of father would I be if I said no? :lifts Dwight into the chair. :['''Cut to': Maple Craters. Dwight fires the papers to the houses.]'' :['''Cut to': Ships Torpedo Room.]'' Dwight: Only one house to go. We did it! cheer. The screen beeps and displays the Blob house. Inside, Bret Blob lifts weights. Run away! That bully, Bret Blob, lives there! Cubert: He's ugly mean stupid stink mucus! And last week we sort of ... broke his window. Hermes: Alright, alright. What do we do when we break somebody's window? Dwight: sheepish Pay for it? :laughs. Hermes: Oh, heavens, no! We apologise, with nice, cheap words! :['''Scene': Outside Blob House. Hermes rings the doorbell and Bret answers.]'' Bret: I thought I heard the doorbell but I see it was the dork''bell! :laughs. Cubert and Dwight laugh nervously.'' Dwight: Man, you're funny. Good one, Bret. Farnsworth: Now, now, no need to give us the business. We'd like a word with you daddy. Bret: Whatever. shouting Dad! Hermes: Don't worry, boys. I'm sure his father is a perfectly normal, reasonable man. :Gelatinous Blob comes out of the door with his tentacles waving. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: What the hell do you want? Farnsworth: Mr. Blob, our sons have come to apologise for damaging your window. They've learned their lesson and they want to make amends. Cubert: Sorry, sir. Dwight: Yeah, sorry. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: You can shove your apology into the bottom of your one-way digestive system. Farnsworth: Now see here. We assured our sons that you'd accept their apology. Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Aww. Tell you what, I'll accept their apology when they kiss my ass! Which I don't have! :laughs. Farnsworth and Hermes move their sons aside. Farnsworth: No one gives my boy that option! :and Hermes roll up their sleeves. Hermes: Bring it on, Jello-pop! Cubert: Yeah, get him, Dad! Dwight: Show 'em who's boss! Gelatinous Blob grabs Farnsworth and Hermes and smacks them around. Then some more. Get 'em ... Pops! Cubert: Right. :Gelatinous Blob swallows Hermes and Farnsworth. :['''Scene': Taco Bellevue Hospital. A sign outside advertises "Urine Samples, Now In Collectible NASCAR Cups". Farnsworth and Hermes lie in traction, wrapped in body casts.]'' Cubert: That was incredible! You are the bravest dads in the entire trauma centre! Dwight: You guys almost had him ... until he digested you. Hermes: Oh, you're good kids. coughs. If I could feel anything right now, it would be pride. and Dwight hug their dads, making them scream. I was wrong! I can still feel pain! :Gelatinous Blob knocks on the door and pushes Bret in. He carries flowers. Hermes screams. Farnsworth: He's come to finish the job! Someone toss me out the window! Horrible Gelatinous Blob: No, no, wait. I-I feel terrible about what happened. I-I've just been under a lot of stress lately down at the plant, y'know. They're-They're bringing in computers to "improve productivity" and, well, that's no excuse for how I acted. But the boy needs to see that real men solve their disagreements with words, not violence, so, uh, if you'll accept my apology, well, I hope we can put this embarrassing incident behind us. Farnsworth: I suppose. :Bender with a crate of Benderbrau. Bender: Hey, chumps, I heard you were on the ass-end of an ass-kicking so I figured you could use a couple these little babies. :hands Farnsworth and Hermes a bottle each. Hermes: Oh, why not? Might as well live it up as long as I've got this catheter in me! Farnsworth: Won't you join us, Mr. Blob? Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Sounds like a plan! :hands him a bottle. Hermes: This is what makes life worth clinging to; three fathers enjoying a day out with their sons. :Farnsworth, Bender and Horrible Gelatinous Blob clink their bottles. Farnsworth: It would seem we've taught our boys a lesson about life: Man or Blob, it's what's inside that counts. :drink the beer and Cubert and Dwight struggle and whimper. Bret has eaten them. :Credits. Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Season Three Scripts Category:Transcripts